I really like this girl.

I have the hugest crush on this woman and I am not sure exactly how I feel about that just yet. Given the circumstances, it's not favorable; but based on pure feeling, it feels pretty good. My head is in a constant loop. Either way, I have to figure out what I want to do in this situation. I do not want to make it an awkward friendship, though. That's why I try to keep certain things to myself. Even when I say stuff, I usually bring it up in a jocular tone. I value her as a person and I don't want to lose that connection.

Hell, I'm also not trying to lose my cool. Not cool in a sense of staying calm. I mean that thing that makes me unique. My cool. I am a very cool dude. I know this and use it to my advantage more times than none. I force people to communicate with me. I don't do much calling or texting. It's always about replying. That's how I've learned to keep relationships in my control. However, it's a bit different with her. I want to send her a good morning text. Most of the time I don't. I want to give her a random call in her day just to see how she is. I've only done that once. That once is more than I've ever done with anyone else, though. She's deserving.

The best part about her is that I can't read her. I'm usually pretty good at telling how someone feels and where their head is when it comes to a situation involving me. I may play dumb at times, but I know. I'm unable to clearly understand where she is and I don't try to. It's not my place to. If I can figure it out, I like to control it. I don't want to do anything of my old self. I told her that I want to step outside of myself and that's what I'm going to do.

To get something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.

I haven't forgotten about you.

I'm up, just a few hours before I need to be. I hate that. Today is going to be a long ass shift and I'm wide awake. I should be sleep so I can be prepared for my day. However, I'm just up with no place to go. Rather, no one to speak to. So, why not make use of my alone time and just write it all down while I actually feel like talking? It's such an arduous task to keep up with blogging how I used to. This is something that I completely loved to do. It became a chore. I started writing for someone else other than me. I began to resent it. How is that even possible? I don't know.

Good news! My EP will be released this Sunday! Here's the artwork for you to check out. I've also released a song. It's probably playing as the main song on my blog. Who knows? I haven't decided whether I want to do that or not. Actually, why not? Who cares, right? I just don't want to seem tacky. Anyway, the EP came out great. I've gotten some pretty good reviews from everyone who has heard it thus far. Nothing really bad being said. On the flip-side, these are all friends who are probably trying to spare my feelings. We'll see how that goes on Sunday when the damned thing drops.

Today has been a really boring, thoughtful. I'm trying not to get too deep into what's in my head because it's not really worth it. Some shit is just best left unsaid. I do know that I'm starting to hate thinking about the same thing everyday. It's so repetitive and time consuming. Seriously, this is the first thought I have in the morning and almost always the last thought I have at night. You know this shit is fuckin' ridiculous. 

I'm guessing that's it for now. I thought that blogging would shut my mind off, but it hasn't. Maybe because I've neglected to open up how I really wanted to. It's a process. I'll tell you this: What I'm thinking about is nothing really bad. So, don't worry about if I'm like pseudo-suicidal or anything like that. I'm in a good place mentally. I just don't like the specific spot that my mind is stuck in. I'll have to find a way to get past where I'm at inside myself. The scariest part is that my mind and heart are in the same place. I'm just not too big of a fan of it myself. Does that make sense? It shouldn't, but it does to me.

She makes me want to walk on water.

Yesterday was extremely productive. I actually sat down and wrote an EP that I will be releasing next Sunday. This is not the one that I spoke about in my last post. When I set down to write after I made that post, I just felt differently. I'm going to start recording today and mixing tomorrow. This is going to be pretty awesome. I can't let myself get discouraged. I gotta keep pushing from there. I easily sit down in the mixing process and feel like my music isn't good enough.

Someone recently asked me how does it feel to listen to my music knowing that I did everything: Wrote, recorded, mixed, masted, and sometimes even produced. I told her that it was one of the most nerve-wracking things I can ever experience. I never know if it's going to sound hot when I sit down and listen to it. It usually takes a few listens and then someone going crazy in the background over the track to make me realize how dope it is. I think everything gets lost in the mixing process. The delivery of my records are fine. The mixing is what's killing me because I don't have all of the equipment that I need. The gear doesn't make the engineer, but the gear does limit the engineer. For starters, I need a better mic and to rebuild my vocal booth.

"The Vacation" is the title for this EP. It was actually conceptualized sometime last summer as a pre-EP to my project "Welcome Home, Mr. Adams" but that flopped. Most of my projects flop because I don't have any constant producers who grind the way I do, aside from Mic G. Him and I have fallen out, to an extent, so I'm really out here by myself when it comes to production. I need to find some versatile producers who can handle the load of at least a beat a week. They don't need to be mixed, because I mix everything in Pro Tools myself. With a record a week, I can put out a full length project every few months and keep my name buzzing, as well as the producers names buzzing. It's hard because everyone has lives. This was so much easier when we were younger.

While I stare at you.

Yesterday was pretty decent. I'm just not fond of my job right now. I mean, I love working there, but I have dreams. I never want to get complacent. It's really important that I keep in mind why I have that job and not allow myself to get stuck in a position where I'm unable to follow my dreams. With that said: I've officially started recording "No Sleep For The Gifted." However, I think I'm going to rerecord everything next week when I go buy a new mic. I've been looking at a few. I'll continue looking next Friday when I get my paycheck. I think it's going to suck, though. I've only worked five days in the past two weeks, due to my Grandmother's passing.

After my studio session last night, I spent the night in a deep thought. That can be annoying at times. I used to blog when I got in those moods, but over the past few years it became a lesser need to blog. I want to get back into that, though. However, I did talk about how I was feeling with someone. Not exactly, but to an extent. We talked about the stars and how small they make me feel. It's funny that I've always been told that I have my heads in the clouds. That's not true. My head is beyond that. I use the stars as a pillow. If there is a clear night, I'm probably looking upward and admiring how far they are and how small I actually am. It's a nice feeling, being that I am a giant amongst everyone in my life. I'm 6'8" if you don't know.

Have you ever been in a room and everyone notices you but who you want to notice you? I'm sure you have. We all have. It seems like my phone is the perfect example of that. Throughout the day, my phone receives a billion texts, phone calls, and other shit, but it's rarely who I actually want to talk to. Well, let's just say more than often, it's someone that I don't want to hear from, rather than the only person I would love to hear from. Maybe we're just spoiled. I have no idea where this is going anymore. I had a central thought when I started this paragraph. Now I'm completely lost in my own thought. That happens often. If you're reading this post on August 26th, 2011 the first song should be a "Crave You." Listen to it. That's what I mean.

I won't keep you any longer. Thanks for reading.

Murder, murder, murder she wrote.

I really like this watch. It's from Meister's 2011 Fall/Winter collection. I think it's dope. I don't own a gold watch, but I'd love to very soon. It seems like a quintessential piece in any man's wardrobe. You know what I mean? The rich-guy gold watch. I think they seem very debonaire. This is coming from a guy that used to like big, icy watches. I'm so impressed with my sense of style now. It has changed so much over these years. The things I'm into are so far beyond what I used to like. Honestly, I haven't worn a pair of dunks in years.

Today was a pretty good day for what it was. I think the best part of my day was the storm. It looked amazing. I saw a bag of empty soda bottles fly 30 feet in the air. That was byfar the most interesting thing. Well, second most interesting thing if you include my morning car ride. That was pretty dope, but I'm going to refrain from speaking about stuff like that right now. Let's focus on me. Anyway, the bag of bottles: Awesome. I've never seen anything like it. I'm pretty sure they landed where they needed to when it was all said and done. I hope they landed at the feet of someone who could have used them. It's hard out here, man.

Oh, I recorded a new song today. How could I forget? I actually didn't want to, but someone asked me to do it. I owed her a song since the last song she asked for kind of fell through. You know what? I'm happy that I did because I really like the song. It came out pretty nice. A few of my friends told me that I should have done it as well. Like usual, I didn't listen. It took an outside opinion to really get me excited about the record. I think I was more excited about her hearing the song, more than actually doing it. I love people's reactions to my music. It feels like a job well done.

I have a lot of stuff on my mind that I would love to blog about, but I'm just not ready to get into that stuff yet. I found myself slipping into my old journal writing days in the post that I wrote this morning. That was a bit too revealing for the person I am now. Before, stuff like that didn't matter. Now, I'm a bit more introverted. I don't like sharing my feelings with anyone. Hell, not even myself. Maybe if I continue to blog and get back into the swing of things, stuff will come out more naturally. We'll see. I'm hoping so, though. I really miss blogger.

If liking you is wrong...

I've been single for a few months now, but my heart had a longing to be free for much longer. I didn't realize it until it actually was free how much of a burden was lifted from me. Hell, if only this could have happened sooner. I won't rush God, though. I am working on his timetable. I guess it couldn't have happened at a more perfect time, according to him. I just have to accept that as a blessing and continue to move forward.

I truly missed the feeling of liking someone. Not loving them, but just liking them enough to have them invade your thoughts once-in-a-while. It's such a great feeling. I think I'm there. This woman is unique; however, I don't feel as if I am within my rights to pursue anything. You see, I'm not supposed to like her. I just can't help it. I've had the smallest crush on her for the past year. Before, I made myself believe it was "the grass is greener"-syndrome. I was in a shitty relationship and she seemed as perfect as she could be, flaws and all. Now that I am out of that relationship, I can see that my feelings toward her then were not inaccurate  They just shouldn't be there at all, given the circumstance. You cannot help who you feel for, though. It'd be nice to, though. Wouldn't it? 

I went out with her yesterday and I had the most honest-fun that I've had in a while. She's an awesome person to be around, just as I remembered. In the days leading up to us going out, I tried to convince myself that I shouldn't. Hell, I've had an easier time squeezing my foot into a shoe that was two sizes too small. While I do wish that our circumstance was a bit different because it would allow for me to at least let it be known that I like her, I do not regret anything. It would be naive to ignore it, but childish to dwell on it. I just have to convince myself that the risk is worth the potential gain. For all I know, she probably does not (and should not) feel the same. Hey, well if she does, or ends up feeling this way down the road, then that's a different story.

When it's all said and done, I just hope she knows that my intentions are pure. I am not trying to make her like me or anything like that. I don't want our time together to be awkward. She has to know that my friendship with her is more important than any romantic feeling that I may have. Liking her could change the whole dynamic of our friendship and I am comfortable with it just as it is. I mean, of course, it'd be nice to have something more, but I am not going to push the issue. That seems a bit disrespectful to her, in my opinion. That is if she doesn't want anything more herself. Which I'm 85% sure of. The other 15% is just my confidence saying that I can have anyone I want... Deal with it.

Now is it strange that I wrote this as she sleeps just a few feet away from me? Don't get any ideas. She accidentally stayed the night. We both fell asleep after a bottle of Moet between the both of us. I think she's just really fond of that damned beanbag chair that I have in my room, as is everyone else. I was a little buzzed, what's her excuse? The beanbag was too comfortable? LOL! Knowing her, that's probably it.

I'm going to start blogging here more.

I'm really into this look here. I think I'd pull that outfit off well. Very well, actually. The shoes are dope. I wish I knew what they were. I actually had a pair of Timbs like that before. I'm going to make an educated guess and say those aren't Timbs. Everything about this look says classic. I believe he can look back at this photo and know that he wasn't one of these trendy dudes. That's amazing. I can't stand seeing trendy outfits. Like thats scarves a few years ago. They're so played out now. How long did they stay? Oh yea, that's right: Trends die fast.

I wonder what kind of watch is that? I recently lost my watch. I have no idea where it's at, but I know it could be in one of two places. Unfortunately, both of those places are very broad. The last time I lost a key in one of those places. Guess what? I never found it. I'm betting that I won't find my watch. My wrist feels naked without it. I always feel like I look flier with it. It just completes my whole look with everything. When I want to get sexy, I put that watch on. Now I'm sad. Who wants to buy me a new watch? It has to be grown up, though. Audemars Piguet is a nice place to start.