I've been single for a few months now, but my heart had a longing to be free for much longer. I didn't realize it until it actually was free how much of a burden was lifted from me. Hell, if only this could have happened sooner. I won't rush God, though. I am working on his timetable. I guess it couldn't have happened at a more perfect time, according to him. I just have to accept that as a blessing and continue to move forward.
I truly missed the feeling of liking someone. Not loving them, but just liking them enough to have them invade your thoughts once-in-a-while. It's such a great feeling. I think I'm there. This woman is unique; however, I don't feel as if I am within my rights to pursue anything. You see, I'm not supposed to like her. I just can't help it. I've had the smallest crush on her for the past year. Before, I made myself believe it was "the grass is greener"-syndrome. I was in a shitty relationship and she seemed as perfect as she could be, flaws and all. Now that I am out of that relationship, I can see that my feelings toward her then were not inaccurate They just shouldn't be there at all, given the circumstance. You cannot help who you feel for, though. It'd be nice to, though. Wouldn't it?
I went out with her yesterday and I had the most honest-fun that I've had in a while. She's an awesome person to be around, just as I remembered. In the days leading up to us going out, I tried to convince myself that I shouldn't. Hell, I've had an easier time squeezing my foot into a shoe that was two sizes too small. While I do wish that our circumstance was a bit different because it would allow for me to at least let it be known that I like her, I do not regret anything. It would be naive to ignore it, but childish to dwell on it. I just have to convince myself that the risk is worth the potential gain. For all I know, she probably does not (and should not) feel the same. Hey, well if she does, or ends up feeling this way down the road, then that's a different story.
When it's all said and done, I just hope she knows that my intentions are pure. I am not trying to make her like me or anything like that. I don't want our time together to be awkward. She has to know that my friendship with her is more important than any romantic feeling that I may have. Liking her could change the whole dynamic of our friendship and I am comfortable with it just as it is. I mean, of course, it'd be nice to have something more, but I am not going to push the issue. That seems a bit disrespectful to her, in my opinion. That is if she doesn't want anything more herself. Which I'm 85% sure of. The other 15% is just my confidence saying that I can have anyone I want... Deal with it.
Now is it strange that I wrote this as she sleeps just a few feet away from me? Don't get any ideas. She accidentally stayed the night. We both fell asleep after a bottle of Moet between the both of us. I think she's just really fond of that damned beanbag chair that I have in my room, as is everyone else. I was a little buzzed, what's her excuse? The beanbag was too comfortable? LOL! Knowing her, that's probably it.
I'm going to start blogging here more.
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